Excited by the thought of 'boil-in-the-bag' fish?

"Señor Tronosco, enough of the gruesome gut garbage and stomach related surgical shtick!"

You are right amigos, I gotta dust myself off, get up, stand up and get back to earning lap dancing club money for the shareholders! I've been wallowing in a mixture of daytime TV, baggy night/lounge wear, Muller Rice and prescription narcs. Quite frankly I have become my Grandparents. I found myself today getting excited by the thought of boil in the bag fish in parsley sauce with tinned new potatoes. I'm empathising with City Hospital inmates (BBC1 10:00am -11:00am). I have started taking supper, having pudding, referring to my doctor by his first name and collecting coupons! All of which is a sure sign that i'm on a slippery slope to becoming all grown up, sensible and slipper bound. Madre Mia, i've even given up smoking!

In order to enable rehabilitation into my preoperative life i have developed a three-point-training-plan.

Step One -Breaking the Hospital Routine.

Tomorrow I will arise at my usual work day waking time (6.30 am) via two presses of the snooze button. I will leave this as late as possible, so that I have to rush, in a near heart attack inducing frenzy. I will have to shower in record breaking time in order to enable me to eat breakfast (Doctor's orders). My usual cigarette time, now banned, will buy the minutes for eating breakfast. I will also place my house keys in a obvious place. This could bank an extra 10 minutes as I normally take at least this amount of time to find them in the morning. I will then dress in my usual work atire. This will replace the comfortable lounge slacks and slippers with pressed suit trousers and leather shoe. I will then exit the house and power walk to the railway station, timing it so that I just manage to arrive at 7:23am. By which time i'm sweating like a marathon runner and having to prise the train doors open to get on before it leaves. Obviously this is training so I will not be undertaking my full journey. I will get off at the next station and return home, this will suitably screw up my postoperative routine.

Step Two -Avoiding mental and physical inactivity.

Upon returning home TV is banned, except for educational programmes/documentaries. I will set myself a few mental tasks in the morning. This could include pondering such questions as, how do they get the writing in a stick of rock? In the afternoon I will attempt to start sorting out the garage which will provide a motivational, physical and mental challenge.

Step Three -Putting yourself about a bit.

Being sat on the sofa with a tartan blanket for nearly a month really makes one antisocial. I will therefore at suitable moments during the day randomly call a few people. I will try and sustain a conversation for as long as possible. Aiming for at least 5minutes of quality two way chat, 10minutes of one sided rambling from myself, 15minutes, surely they hung up 10minutes ago!
When out of the house I will try and communicate with a stranger (preferably a Señorita) and try not to appear like I own slippers, a tartan blanket or get excited by boiled fish!


Fingers crossed by following my three-point-post-op-training plan I should be back to normal in no time!

...and now I own a pair of Pyjamas and Slippers!

Here is my concluding post-mortem report.

Read part 1 here...I got my ass down A&E rapido!

What was the diagnosis? A suspected perforated stomach ulcer with peritonitis! It felt so bad. Went for surgery at midnight on Wednesday 6th. Basically this was an exploratory. I had a camera put inside me through my belly button and other incisions for a look around. There was evidence of some fatty deposits and bile around my stomach and gall bladder area. This appeared to indicate some evidence of healing of a hole in my stomach or gall bladder. They also had a look at my appendix, all was ok. My body cavity was washed out with 3litres of saline and a drain tube was inserted. I awoke to find a tube down my nose and throat and a tube sticking out of my tummy with two bags filled with nasty looking fluids. I felt knackered, sore and couldn’t walk. My arms were like pin cushions. I spent the next few days in a bit of a daze being fed intravenous fluids, paracetamol, morphine, antibiotics and morphine…nice! I'm guessing this was to allow my stomach to heal and to clear it of any nasty bacteria and acids. I was then transferred to a ward for the weekend and gradually got some strength back. The next week I managed to get up and about which was difficult with intravenous drips in each arm. I really let myself go amigos, blood stained gown over grandad pyjamas and slippers. I was starting to look like a shipwreck survivor, I had a full beard and someone said my hair was growing into a mullet. It’s surprising how we take simple things for granted. Getting out of bed was an effort, getting to the bathroom and washing was an expedition. I started eating again a week after being admitted and since then have been building myself up with the aid of simple food and Muller Rice! I am still surprised about how weak I felt then and I’m not 100% yet but feel much better. I’d like to thank all those who sent me their wishes and came to visit me. The whole thing has been a bit of a blur to me and it's sure been an experience...

The negative points;
Anything associated with needles, those drip stands on wheels, p*e bottles, vomit, patient toilets, surgical stockings, tubes stuck where they shouldn't be, both arms look like pin-cushions, i'm a little bit lighter. I can't drink any beer yet. I don’t smoke. I now own a pair of pyjamas and slippers!

The positive points;
The morphine. The morphine. The morphine. Giving up smoking? Time off work.

I once accidently sneezed on a daddy long legs...

It's lashing it down today, gatos y perros. I am intending to venture out into the fresh air to aid the convalescence. It is also to prevent me boredom buying more Van Cleef/Porcelain/DVD items from Amazon and Ebay.

I'm at present suffering smoking flashbacks, memories of smokier times. Ah! The drunken nights when I'd get through a pack of 20 in a couple of hours. Followed by feelings of nausea and irrepairable lung damage upon waking in the morning. Great times! The first ciggie of the day, unbelievably welcome yet inducing symptoms of acute bronchitis. Satisfying! The luxury of a fag after food, a "smokey pudding".....a roll up stuck to the lip, a smoke ring, 20 Reds and a box of matches. I've got to hold out, No toke since 5th September!

To ease my nicotine niggles I've been engaging the mind wildly in other areas of thought. Today, what with the weather, I am wondering where the hell do insects go when it's raining? I mean the size of a raindrop is bigger than the average insect. It's like me walking down the street and being pelted with bathtub volumes of water. Surely insects must sustain fatal injuries when it rains. As a kid I once accidently sneezed on a daddy long legs and it's legs fell off so I dread to think what mutilation occurs when it rains heavily. I'm guessing that insects bunk down under shelter when it rains? Or do they just carry on their business and accept the dangers? Is this natures way of regulating the insect population?
I'm off out to investigate.

Post Operative Blues!

Buenas amigos! I'm still off work and becoming very agitated. There really is only so much TV I can watch in one day. I'm also eating like a horse, seriously every few hours I'm snacking. It's probably a good sign as I was down to 65kg when I left hospital!

Today's junk food (so far) has been as follows;

2 Bowls of Bran Flakes
2 Rounds of Toast and Jam
2 Bananas
1 small portion of Chicken Korma
1 Yoghurt
2 Muller Rice (Blueberry and Strawberry)
1 Pot of Soup
3 Eggs (scrambled on toast)
1 Bag of minstrels
1 Orange
2 Pint of Milk
1 Small portion of Chicken Casserole

Obviously the stomach is bearing up and I'm gradually testing it's strength and capacity. I don't want it bursting again! I'm still off the booze which will be the ultimate capacity test. I've also gone cold turkey on the cigarettes. It's hell but I had to do it some time. Pa fumar!

The boredom is becoming a problem though, I ended up on Amazon and Ebay today buying lot's of unessential items. Is this what they call retail therapy? Hombre, I started browsing for a new Spaghetti Western DVD, following my post yesterday. Next thing I know I've gone and bought some lavish imported box-set and had to buy a new multi-region DVD player to watch them! I'm too embarrassed to fully mention my ebay purchases but I'm sure Madonna (Our Lady Of Guadalupe) figurines can be sold back without a loss! Madre Mia, is it the prescription drugs, the lack of nicotine, post-op-blues?

They're after me with bombs and bribes and fast, fast women!

I'm a huge Spaghetti Western fan! Sí amigos, I have been using my convalescence constructively by sitting in front of the TV catching up on some DVD's. Today's essential viewing has been;
Django
Death Rides A Horse
The Big Gundown

If you ever get the chance to watch The Big Gundown (La Resa Dei Conti) then do not hesitate. It is quite simply the best Spaghetti Western outside of Leone's Dollars Trilogy. It is an absolute disgrace that Columbia pictures have let this film rot in the archives. The only way to get a copy is to buy it on DVD-R, a fan restoration which is wonderful in it's completeness.

Lee Van Cleef is fantastic, probably the most underated actor of the genre. He was a superstar!

So as a fitting tribute to the one and only Lee Van Cleef please listen to my Lee Van Cleef Podcast! Sí hombre, he can sing too...

Pod - Lee Van Cleef Tribute - Cast

I got my ass down A&E rapido!

I’ll start at the beginning. Note this is not for the squeamish. It was Sunday the 3rd September; I had just eaten a mountain of Sunday roast. A few hours later I was doubled up in pain, vomiting and sinking a few antacids and painkillers. Found a comfortable fetal position and got an early nights sleep. Sleep was a bit broken but managed to get up for work and head to Peterborough, not a quick journey from the South Coast. Propped myself in a comfortable position on the train and got some more sleep. Pain at this point was fairly mild and got through the working day. Stopped of to see a friend in St. Albans on the way home, the pain in my stomach was by now getting a bit worse. Held out all day, got home tired about midnight and slept off the burning agonizing pain in my chest. Woke up on the Tuesday 5th September still with a killing gut pain so went straight to the Doctors. Had an ECG, no heart problems, just a stomach acid problem. Got some tablets, was still in agony but hoped the tablets would work. The day went on, took a tablet had a little food; the pain by this time was near crippling. Then the vomiting of blood started. Now I’m no doctor but this struck me as being pretty abnormal so I got my ass down A&E rapido! Got seen in A&E straight away. I must admit that the A&E staff were a bit rubbish. I mean I was vomiting blood into one of those cardboard kidney dishes (filled five!) and the Doc was asking me whether this was normal! In the meantime I was in agony, asking for some pain relief and was given a couple of Paracetamol, which didn’t stay down. Must have been there a few hours, waiting for blood test results I think? Then I was discharged to a Medical Assessment Ward for the night. Luckily here I was put on some fluids given some pain relief that worked and managed to get a bit of sleep. Later the next day I was poked and prodded by a few doctors and surgeons who told me I would need surgery! I was then transferred to a Surgical Ward.

For the continuing story, link here...

I got my ass down A&E rapido...and now I own a pair of Pyjamas and Slippers!

Things get really messy!

Where you been?

Here is a very quick update.

Sorry it's been a bit quiet but I've been in Hospital! Went to A&E last Tuesday and today I was released (a little lighter, wiser, shell-shocked). I'm all ok just a bit weak.

Plenty of thrilling stories to come about my time inside. Probably infringe some kind of patient confidentiality laws but what the heck, it's got to be told!

Keep checking back over the next few days.

Bloggers Guide To Flamenco! -Part 2

Onwards for Part 2 of my Bl(o/a)ggers Guide to Flamenco!
FLAMENCO PALOS
Today amigos, its Flamenco music styles (palos). As for the origins of Flamenco (in a nut shell) this lies in Andalucía and is said to have evolved from the many cultures that have existed in this region throughout its turbulent social history. Gypsy, Arab, Jewish, it’s all there and I suppose even today Flamenco retains the emotion and spirit of their persecution.
As for Flamenco styles these differ by region, their history, rhythm, and mood. Some are serious, some are happy, some are sung on their own, some are danced by men, some by women. Yep folks it’s not an easy task to label this stuff so I’m going to stick to the basic forms I know. Feel free to comment if I’ve got something wrong or offended the duende! Remember this is the Blaggers Guide!

First thing to memorise is the three categories of singing. Underneath each category is the corresponding Palos. I also give some handy advice if you happen to be listening with aficionados (experts) at a juerga (spontaneous flamenco performance)!

Cante Grande –This is the “mother” of flamenco. The real serious, deep and emotional stuff. When listening it’s generally about death, lost love, pain, tears and funerals so perfect your most serious face and imagine the worst!
Siguiriyas
Soleares
Tientos.

Cante Chico –This is dare I say, light-weight stuff in comparison to the Cante Grande. It’s usually fairly noisy, lots of clapping and danced to. But don’t be too laid back, although happy the words sometimes have a sinister edge to them. For this I recommend to go for it, tap your feet, get up and dance, clap, shout some encouragement but do it with a little irony (just in case there’s a surprise)!
Alegrias
Fandangos
Farruca
Sevillana (I know it’s officially a folk song but it is derived from Flamenco).

Cante Intermedio –A tricky one this. Somewhere in between Grande and Chico. Usually the words tell a fairly emotional story but with a “and they all lived happily ever after (after suffering for many more years)” ending. Not much advice to give in this situation. I would recommend visiting the bathroom, then come back and see what the general mood of the people is like. Failing that, copy the person next to you?
Bulerias
Tangos.

For the next parts of my guide I will explain the Palos in more detail, starting with the Siguiriyas. I will also provide some audio to aid the learning!

CONTENTS
Bloggers Guide To Flamenco! -Part 1 -Introduction

I'm a bit short on answers...

Buenas! I've been pondering some classics today and have been a bit short on answers.

Why on an aircraft do they provide you with an emergency life-jacket? Why not a parachute?

When a band mimes a song on TV, how does the drummer mime? Padded drum sticks? No skins?

Where do birds go when they die? Statistically more should be falling from the sky causing human injury?

When travelling at the speed of sound can you hear yourself speak?

For any smokers. Do you feel short changed when smoking outside on a windy day? The smoke blows away!

The more I think about the modern working world the more I think we may all be mad? Let me explain. I press plastic things to make words appear on a bigger box of plastic (with a glass face), then send the words using a moveable piece of plastic (on a mat) to my colleague who sits opposite me? Ever taken a step back to look at what physically takes place in an office?